An NYT article is getting a lot of attention, at least in the LGBT world. Published last Friday, “After Gay Son’s Suicide, Mother Finds Blame in Herself and in Her Church” is an honest conversation with the parents of Tyler Clementi, the first year Rutger’s student in September 2010 who took his own life three weeks after arriving:
… he jumped off the George Washington Bridge after discovering that his roommate had used a webcam to spy on him having sex and that he had sent out Twitter messages encouraging others to watch.
Writing at Down With Tyranny, Ken states:
This interview with Tyler Clementi’s parents will save lives. Can it also penetrate the walls of ignorance and hate of organized LGBT-phobes?
It’s a powerful, honest conversation. From the NYT piece:
The Clementis continue to blame the bad luck of a roommate lottery and the cowardice of students who failed to step up and say that the spying was wrong.
But their son’s suicide has also forced changes, and new honesty, upon them. They have left the church that made Ms. Clementi so resistant to her son’s declaration. Their middle son, James, acknowledged what the family had long suspected and said that he, too, was gay. The family is devoting itself to a foundation promoting acceptance with the hope of preventing the suicides of gay teenagers. …
(Ms. Clementi) … blames religion for the shame surrounding it – in the conversation about coming out, Tyler told his mother he did not think he could be Christian and gay. …
She decided she could no longer attend her church, because doing so would suggest she supported its teachings against homosexuality. And she took strength from reading the Bible as she reconsidered her views.
‘At this point I think Jesus is more about reconciliation and love,’ she said. ‘He spoke more about divorce than homosexuality, but you can be divorced and join a church more than you can be gay and join churches.’
Read the whole article here . And you can check out the Tyler Clementi Foundation here.
(Photo via Tyler Clementi Foundation)
So heartbreaking.
If only it would save lives.
He did not jump off the bridge because of what his roommate did. Several weeks before leaving for college he asked his mother to take him on a driving tour of suspension bridges in the tri-state area. At the GWB he stayed longer and took many pictures. A couple of days before leaving for Rutgers he came out to his parents. Though his father took it well his mother did not. Though he was a contributor to a website for young gay men called “ Justaboys, “ when he did decide to have an encounter he chose a much older man and brought him to the dorm room knowing full well that his roomate, Ravi, might be a homophobe. The webcam incident was a media created event. The first one lasted 45 seconds and showed two guys with their shirts off. The second never happened because Tyler got wise and turned Ravi’s computer off. On the day he took his life he filed a report with the campus office that deals with issues involving intolerance. He went to symphony practice, went to dinner, went back to the room and wrote the note; he called cab to take him to the railroad station, took the train into the city, took the westside subway to Washington heights, walked to the middle of the bridge, stacked his belongings and jumped. Some of his posts on “ Justaboys ” were probing questions about being young and gay and I’m sure his roomate, Ravi, whose best friend called him a “ Dick ” didn’t help much. I’m sure Ravi’s supidity had something to do with it, but it surely was just one in many reasons . People think about suicide for a long time, they just don’t go and jump off a bridge.
The interview seems to make clear that this wasn’t a sudden decision.
This story broke my heart because it brought back the memories of a friend who committed suicide in 1973 when he could not “come out of the closet” and be who he was. He had been forced to marry according to social and religious conventions and dictates and had fathered a child, a child who he loved very much. But he could not stay in a relationship he knew was hypocritical and dishonest. And who could he talk to back then? A few of us knew what was going on but we were unable to help him the way he needed to be helped. He kept so much inside of himself and finally took a .38 and you know the rest.
As an after thought, my church voted to make gays/lesbians welcome in my church. I, along with my husband, and other members of the church, had put the General Conference on notice that if our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters were not welcome in the church, we would walk out. Regardless of what belief you hold to, Jesus was all about love and inclusiveness not about excluding people.
Jane, it’s people like you and your husband who are helping make the changes that are so important. Thanks for that.
Unfortunately for some, there’s too much hurt and pain, and hopelessness.