YOU WILL NEED a condom for this one.
From Kevin D. Williamson, an ode to Mitt:
What do women want? The conventional biological wisdom is that men select mates for fertility, while women select for status — thus the commonness of younger women’s pairing with well-established older men but the rarity of the converse. The Demi Moore–Ashton Kutcher model is an exception — the only 40-year-old woman Jack Nicholson has ever seen naked is Kathy Bates in that horrific hot-tub scene. Age is cruel to women, and subordination is cruel to men. Ellen Kullman is a very pretty woman, but at 56 years of age she probably would not turn a lot of heads in a college bar, and the fact that she is the chairman and CEO of Dupont isn’t going to change that.
It’s a good thing Mitt Romney doesn’t hang out in college bars.
You want off-the-charts status? Check out the curriculum vitae of one Willard M. Romney: $200 million in the bank (and a hell of a lot more if he didn’t give so much away), apex alpha executive, CEO, chairman of the board, governor, bishop, boss of everything he’s ever touched. Son of the same, father of more. It is a curious scientific fact (explained in evolutionary biology by the Trivers-Willard hypothesis — Willard, notice) that high-status animals tend to have more male offspring than female offspring, which holds true across many species, from red deer to mink to Homo sap. The offspring of rich families are statistically biased in favor of sons — the children of the general population are 51 percent male and 49 percent female, but the children of the Forbes billionaire list are 60 percent male. Have a gander at that Romney family picture: five sons, zero daughters. Romney has 18 grandchildren, and they exceed a 2:1 ratio of grandsons to granddaughters (13:5). When they go to church at their summer-vacation home, the Romney clan makes up a third of the congregation. He is basically a tribal chieftain.
Professor Obama? Two daughters. May as well give the guy a cardigan. And fallopian tubes.
Don’t smoke that cigarette just yet, another one’s on the rise.
From an evolutionary point of view, Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote. All of it. He should get Michelle Obama’s vote. You can insert your own Mormon polygamy joke here, but the ladies do tend to flock to successful executives and entrepreneurs.
This piece by Williamson is truly a thing of beauty. It lays out before you word after word in a building crescendo that can lead only one place.
Not in the way Williamson or the National Review likely intended, though who knows, maybe they like pulling their own Akin, as in Todd. Because no writing has yet revealed the patriarchal panting behind Republican policy more vividly, that rejects the Ledbetter Act, sidesteps pay equity, while also demanding indentured motherhood, and expects gratefulness to the “Boss” for the pleasure of structure.
It’s good to be taken care of. Actually, it really is and when it’s reciprocated the chain never ends.
We even know the Mormon bishop who’s the subject of the piece would blush bright red if he read it, because it’s way too proud. Humble drives. It’s the code of life. You get, you give, more comes.
With the current state of the economy, our decayed and dying attempt to resuscitate the Built In America brand, and the collapsing infrastructure that holds these United States together, this whipped up passion for Willard Mitt Romney makes the reader want to believe that the life Mr. Romney created for himself he can replicate for us. He did it for his own.
If only we would unlock the door and hand him the keys.
Did someone just hit me over the head or did I do something I’ll regret in the morning?
[In case you're wondering, the condom is for you so you'll be protected from the lovemaking to Willard Mitt Romney from the National Review writer. But still, after reading the whole well-crafted thing, at least from the Republicans' point of view, somehow you'll still feel like you've been violated.]