I’m so glad I didn’t have children.
Every Mother’s Day affirms it.
I’ve never understood the desperate fertility treatment dance so many women go through in order to have children that they can’t conceive naturally. It’s a miracle it’s an option, but the torture of it all. But when I found out my niece and her husband finally conceived we cracked a bottle of Tequila and did shots in their honor.
Some girls want a different life.
When I grew up it was an expectation you would get married and have children. It’s what women did. I refused, wearing the childfree stigma from those days as a badge of independent bravery. Because when the modern age of feminism blasted off Phyllis Schlafly’s harping was a loud noise in our ear.
Thankfully, it’s not so anymore.
As a kid, the doll I loved was Barbie. She was independent, had lots of clothes and cool car and dream house, though I wasn’t interested at all in Ken. What did Barbie need him for anyway? Her perfect body didn’t faze me. All I saw was her freedom. She wasn’t one of those loathsome dolls that I was expected to pretend feed, pantomime diaper changing and roll around in a fake stroller, which was obviously meant to prepare me for something I always knew I didn’t want.
When I got a Thumbelina for Christmas one year, she came in a pretty basket all cuddled up. My interest lasted about a second.
I love being around little people. Their reaction to me is entertaining, because I don’t treat them like children. The encounters are inevitably magical for me, but it’s a vacation zone not a landing strip.
What’s your life all about without children? Everything you can think of to do and then more. It’s about discovering or creating something else you’re passionate about that teaches you, inspires you and expands you. It’s a never ending cavalcade of experiences. As a thinker, artist and writer it’s been about making an impact in my little corner of the world.
Contrary to the stereotypical propaganda, not having children can also keep you young. You are the kid in your life, just with heaping responsibilities and the rewards that come with adulthood.
I can’t imagine my life any other way and wouldn’t have it any other way either. It’s been a madcap, non-stop whirl of amazing miracles and evolutionary thrills.
That was before I met Mark and got married, when it was thought a feminist was more likely to be hit by a terrorist than get married in her 40s. What has made it so strong and exhilarating is we’re on this journey together. I’ve married the strongest feminist I know who stands beside me in all I do, as we create our life lived in a perpetual roller coaster of events. He’s a great dad, but that’s his life to manage, not mine in which to interfere. I can hardly wait ’til his kids come visit us in Virginia. What fun that will be!
Every day begins when I ask myself what will I explore or discover today? Then off I go.
I’m grateful I had the guts to say no to kids when I was very young and hold on to that vision all of my life.
When I read about more and more women today putting off motherhood or choosing to forego it entirely, I send them a secret blessing for what is possible in front of them if they choose to stay childfree. A big, messy board of bright colors and life free of being tethered to shepherding anyone’s journey but your own. Loads of hours and days and weeks and months where you have nothing to think about but your own adventure.
If you get really lucky, you’ll find someone who wants to come along and has great ideas of trouble to get into and together you’ll have a madcap blast.
For all you mothers out there, happy Mother’s Day. I hope you’re as blissfully happy with children as I am childfree.
graphic via 7DeadlySinners
Congrats on your life choice, Taylor. I look forward to a time when any kind family configuration is celebrated, including yours.
I have no children. I know that for a fact because I have never had an acrimonious breakup of a relationship since I have been having relationships. We always parted on good to friendly terms…so there ain’t no lil seculars out there.
This was a conscious decision.
I came from an insane, violent, alcoholic, drug addicted, emotional,physical and sexually abusive family of origin situation.
I KNEW child abusers were almost 100% abused as children themselves.
I have nothing but respect and awe for those who actually bare children…especially who CHOSE to have children and then have and raise them with love.
happy preMothers day to Mothers everywhere.
I ache inside that at this point in life I can’t c4elebrate with you and then look forward to fathers day. But it just wasn’t worth the risk.
And in the end…I DID get real lucky!
And she is certainly lucky as well… I assume you are referring to the lady of the house?
Secular — Know someone in your situation and he made exactly the same choice as you. He regrets it only because he knows his wife (he got insanely lucky, too!) would probably have preferred having them. Here’s to you! I do want you to know, though (and I speak as a child of abuse as well), that while perhaps close to 100 percent of abusers were abused, it’s NOT true that 100 percent of abused children grow up to be abusers.
But again — here’s to you and to your having gotten lucky in your life!!
Taylor, I’m not sure how old you are — I just turned 56 yesterday — but I still remember, back in first grade, and the teacher going around the room asking everyone what they wanted to be when they grew up. And for girls, well, the choices were “mom,” “teacher” or “nurse.” I didn’t want to be a teacher and I didn’t want to be a nurse. Mom was OK. I really wanted to be a writer or a lawyer. Am the first and have always regretted not going after the second. When someone tells me I can do it now I just shake my head. Too much money … which needs to go to my kids’ college education. But I don’t begrudge them — just wish I’d made some different choices along the way. I never regret having them, though. So I celebrate what you said, because we get to MAKE those choices now. Here’s to everyone and being satisfied, as much as possible, with choices made.
Enjoyed reading everyone’s comment.
BethinSurburbanChicago – Thanks so much for sharing that about yourself. The choices, yep, it’s the thing.
Finding satisfaction & moments of inspired surprise & gratification amid compromises we make in a life, which presents challenges to our dreams and visions, that’s the art of life.
I grew up a tomboy (MAJOR TOMBOY). Sports were my passion and I never wanted a baby…ugh! And, after years of babysitting, this only reinforced my views on the matter.
I threw myself into my studies and later my career…. then I met and married this amazing man (when I was about 30). He was a former professor of mine. We met while I was working in a neurophysiology lab for a colleague of his. He was divorced with two boys(A-oldest, and N-youngest), ages 4 and 8. R (husband), had the boys 50% of the time, sharing with his ex-wife (D). Fortunately they had a great relationship as ex-spouses and worked carefully to provide the best environment for the boys. Initially “D” and I had some friction, but we worked through it and to this day remain friends. We spent holidays together, and shared the boys’ birthday celebrations as well. The boys are both grown (A – is out of college, and N- soon to be a sophomore at U of O).
With that said, and never wanting to have kids of my own, I cannot express the joy that having A and N in my life has brought me. I know that if I had not been a part of raising them I would have truly missed out on something very special. They are my pride and joy (the pride and joy of the three of us, R, D and me). And knowing them as adults is so special, to see these mature, handsome young men move forward in life.. I cannot begin to describe how much they mean to us.
I am so happy Taylor that you are happy with your choice. And so happy that my choices ended up leading me to be a step-mom. Happy Mother’s Day to the moms!
Happy Mothers Day everyone. I also hope one day to have childern either by adoption or have a serigate mother, I am gay so I will be mom and dad just like many hetrosexual single people have to be. Right now, I take care of my dad that has alot of health problems and let my tell you, its like raising a kid LOL !! Just a warning to everyone, when your parents get a certain age, the roles will reverse and you will have to become the parent to your parent sometimes. There will be a time sometimes when your parents depend on you. I am close with both my parents, I got my since of humor from my dad and my strength from my mom. She is the glue that hold the family together just like most mothers do. We clash sometimes because were so much alike. Again want to wish everyone a Happy Mothers Day !!
Hi FMI — Good for you caring for your father! I also take care of my father. He has had mini strokes and suffers from dimentia. We are lucky as we have a large lot in Portland and were able to build a granny (or grandpa) flat, initially for my mother-in-law before she passed away, and now for my dad. It is so nice to have him living in his own place, a few steps from our back porch. I work from home when I can.
It has always been my observation that people who make a choice not to have kids, made the right choice for them. They are happier and more acutalized than they would have been having had children.
I love kids, always have. When I was growing up I wanted four. Life did not work out that way and I ended up the divorced Mom of an 18 month old. There were times early on that it was very hard to be a single mom. Mostly when you wanted to share something brilliant or kind or wonderful that they did. Lucky for me I have a close family and great brothers who always took an active interest in Sarah’s life and gave her roots.
When she was two we moved into a townhouse and two doors down was another two year old girl. Her parents were seperated and her Dad was determined to raise her. Sadly, her mother was killed in a car accident. Gary and I became best of friends and raised our girls together. We were each others yin and yang. We covered for each other when one of us was dating someone.We saw our girls through all the growing up stages together including college graduation.
We lost him to pancreatic cancer when our girls were in their early 20′s. Even though we were never romantically involved it was the greatest loss of my life, nothing replaces a friendship like that.
Now I am the witness to their marriages and babies, I see his eyes in his grandson. He raised a spectacular daughter and so did I.They are 36 now and both are living fullfilling, happy lives, both very committed to their marriages and families.
I know this sounds sad but I am not. I am a happy, very busy old lady who looks back on life with a smile. I just read my grandson a story and tucked him into bed. His Mom will be over in the morning and we will celebrate Mothers Day and Sam will make us laugh.
Terrific post, Taylor. Happy Mother’s Day!
This is a fantastic post, proberly one of the best, I love reading everyone posts. There are some good people on here and what heartfelt stories.
My wife and I have three children. We had them because we wanted them. And we were more than willing to make the personal sacrifices that are needed to get them where they are today: well-behaved and moving forward (ages 14, 13, and 9). I also have a sister who doesn’t have children (she’s in her mid-thirties) and also blissfully child-free. I remember her telling me back when she was 20 that she didn’t want any children. But she would be the cool aunt! LOL! I told her “more power to her” and that she would be a great aunt.
You only have children because YOU want to. Not because it is expected. I know more than my fair share of married adults who had children, because it is expected, and it is not pretty now. Not pretty at all.
Much respect to you Taylor for making the choice and staying the course!
Also we told our teen daughters that we ARE NOT the “you better have children so we can have grandchildren” type of parents.
Hi — If there was a like button…. I would very much like your post!