The Bachelor stars farmer Chris Soules, who took a risk leaving harvesting season to find a wife.  But why do the women put themselves through this grueling reality show?

The Bachelor stars farmer Chris Soules, who took a risk leaving harvesting season to find a wife. But why do the women put themselves through this grueling reality show? Last night Jimmy Kimmel made the show even more outrageous.

IT’S DIFFICULT to comprehend the popularity of The Bachelor, but especially hard to understand why some of these women choose to enter this difficult and highly emotional reality show gauntlet. I’ll admit to being totally flummoxed on why most of the women don’t understand that they’re in no way ready for primetime, let alone a shotgun marriage to a man through the obstacle course that is The Bachelor.

I’m no aficionado of the show, so I’m coming at this from a completely different vantage point.

One fact of most successful relationships is that the woman sets up the relationship parameters, and the man takes his cue from her. The man guides many other facets of the partnership, but structure is established by the woman.

The dynamics of what solidifies connection between a man and a woman doesn’t change because cameras are rolling. There are certain aspects of relationship that are foundational, which don’t rely on making sure you kiss a man before you’ve solidified a connection. That seems to be where most of the women on The Bachelor make their mistake, but then few women are ready for the quick partnership recipe of this show.

So let’s pretend The Bachelor can work for two people. That a woman with her act together can trip the wire and get juices flowing between herself and bachelor Chris Soules, who’s obviously a sweetheart, without tinkering with the very foundation of what makes a man decide he’ll take a chance.

Men in a situation where he doesn’t know the woman prefer making the first move, especially physically. It’s not to say a woman can’t move to kiss a man on the first date, because he may not be sure. But at some point, the woman must step back so the man can move towards you. That’s just the basic dynamic when getting started. It can’t be you-you-you, without the guy having space to move on his own.

The Bachelor throws a wrench into this by putting a gaggle of women together competing for time, which makes everything wacky and ultimately watchable. Some crazy stuff erupts under this emotional powder keg. Everyone is hoping Ashley S. will go off and do something crazy again!

Chris Soules said something interesting Monday night when one of the women wouldn’t kiss him, even with the mood perfect. He said that he had to “earn” it.

If Steve Harvey was watching he was undoubtedly nodding his head.

This is what’s missing in so many of the women’s calculations. Men picking a wife, especially in the oddest speed dating situation known, don’t jettison basic requirements they have for someone they want to spend their life with, which includes children and raising a family.

The Bachelor is an impossible situation for women who don’t know themselves and who aren’t confident. Sharing deeply traumatic events too early when meeting someone may heal you, but it won’t solidify the ground on which a lasting partnership can be built. Being broken happens to all of us, though the details might vary, but these aspects of yourself need to be handled before seeking marriage. Grounded and healthy men don’t want a potential spouse to need rescuing.

There is a lot of scuttlebutt, and rumors, out there that Chris Soules is in love, he said so himself in a promo, and that Whitney Bischoff is “the one.” Everyone has a guess and this is just another one, but let’s use this possibility to dissect what’s happened so far.

Bachelor Nation saw Ms. Bischoff in action last night. I wouldn’t bet on it, but let’s just say this is true. How did she do it in a setting that is impossible for women to navigate? Whitney Bischoff took a make it or break it chance to reveal who she is and what kind of partner she’d be.

During their date conversation, Soules said he wanted a woman who could handle herself in any situation, walk into a room and talk to strangers and make them a best friend. He said other things, but it was obvious he was saying he wanted a confident, strong, independent woman who could take charge of a situation.

Whitney Bischoff decided they should crash a wedding they saw happening down the hill from where they were sitting together, which Soules recounted in a blog post, including what wasn’t caught on camera.

What you didn’t see was us talking to the show’s producers. Nothing like this had ever been done before, and everybody was really hesitant to actually do it. They had to scramble to figure out logistics, how they were going to capture everything on camera and make it work. Thankfully they figured out a way to make it happen, and off we went to the mansion to change into our crashing clothes.

[…] I actually could not keep the story straight, and if it wasn’t for Whitney, we would have been found out and tossed out. She did a great job mingling and keeping our story in line. She’s so friendly, and everyone got along with her, and we totally tore it up on the dance floor and somehow never got made! That was a night I’ll never forget.

Through the entire event, Bischoff took the lead, which was predicated on the story that she and Chris Soules through were engaged. She put Soules in the position of imagining her as his future wife and by the end of their escapade he admitted he could imagine being married to her.

Soules is far too shy to have done this on his own, as Bischoff led the twosome through an awesome evening at a wedding reception where they toasted, drank, danced and completely immersed themselves in being a couple. No sex or kissing required, while intimacy and connection was solidified.

If Whitney Bischoff isn’t “the one” it may be because of the risk she took. Men can like spontaneity and adventure, while wishing they were like that, but accepting that they’re not.

If Whitney Bischoff does win Chris Soules’ heart it’s because she knows who she is and wasn’t afraid to reveal herself, while taking him along for the ride to see if he’s up to the challenge of being with her. It’s a chance worth taking for any woman, because if the man you’re eyeing can’t accept you for who you are he’s not the man for you.

“Winning” The Bachelor isn’t the most important thing in your life, especially if you end up marrying a man who’s wrong for you.

It’s not like The Bachelor is a perfect formula for dating success. It’s a weird reality show where women put themselves on the line in front of a camera even when they have no business doing so. A media spectacle few women survive if they aren’t secure and know themselves, and aren’t prepared to edit themselves before the cameras role.

Gladiatorial dating in the social media era.