I knew there was a reason the test match finished a day early.Â It’s here. I know the kid jumps straight in at number three on the succession-to-the-throne depth chart, but can we please cool the hysteria down. Maybe until about 2050 whenÂ he may actually be close to the hot seat. I’ve been so bored by the media coverage of the last two weeks that I’m now incredibly excited that it is over. The trouble is the birth may be over, butÂ this thing is very much just beginning.
Despite this being the start of a long soap opera, I honestly don’t know what all the fuss is about. I can save everyone the time of following the child’s life by exclusively revealing what will happen from cradle to grave (I’ve tried this kind of thing with my family and the plot to Coronation Street yet they still watch. I’m willing to try the same tactic again though). It starts with a baby tour so all the ‘subjects’ can gorp at you. Good, expensive schools at nursery, primary and secondary levels will follow. Then a top university (even if your grades aren’t good), followed by military school, because as a royal you ‘have to defend the country’. Join a branch of the armed forces for a bit, meet a man/woman, get married, have kids (starting the tedious cycle yet again), set up some kind of charity that is really just a play thing because you’re bored and then eventually rise to the throne when you’re too old to care (and hopefully the country is too old to care as well). By that last bit I’ll be dead, so it doesn’t really concern me. But it is a prediction I’ll guarantee nonetheless. Mainly as nobody will be able to call me out on it.
On a positive note, this baby will be the first to not be ‘discriminated’ against on the grounds of sex (or sexuality come to think of it. He ultimately hasÂ his great grandmother to thank for that).Â Even if the odds had been landed on it being a girlÂ they wouldÂ stillÂ have hadÂ first refusal on the throneÂ come William’s death. That is definitely a good thing as a message of equality in general, albeit the notion of royals being discriminated against is laughable (unless you’re Charles I).
There is a point to be made that this first child is certainly unlucky, asÂ he will have to take royal duties seriously because of whoÂ he will become in the future. I feel sorry forÂ him in this regard, asÂ he won’t be able to have fun. His siblings will be the ones to watch for proper gossipy stories. My case in point being Prince Harry.Â There is a good chance the second or third offspring of William and Kate will be dressing up as a Taliban leader atÂ a fancy dress party in 20 years. If so we’ll know who’s been taking his duties as an uncle slightly too far.
I’m going to stop there before I get myself in trouble,Â but I will end by quoting British comedian Ricky Gervais, who on Twitter (@rickygervais)Â this morning asked the most important, pressing question of all, and one everyone else in the media isÂ refusing to discuss, “Do you think she’ll keep it?” Now that would be a story.