Taylor Marsh – TaylorMarsh.com – News, Opinion and Weblog on Progressive Politics

Is David Vitter still a senator? Hmmmm…. That’s what I thought. Larry Craig? Never mind. That doesn’t mean Spitzer will survive.

Details are still emerging, and it’s unclear how this will all shake out, but one thing is immediately clear: Spitzer has been hoisted on his own petard, brought down by the same kind of investigation he pioneered as a prosecutor. The analogies between Wall Street and prostitution aren’t perfect. (On Wall Street, for example, the transactions involving favors for money are generally conducted when both parties are fully clothed.) But he may have fallen prey to the same types of circumstances and dynamics that led to his astonishing rise. – Spitzer Gets Spitzered

Human failing. Human foibles. Being human. We’re seeing the story play out live today with the bombshell about Governor Eliot Spitzer. That Mr. Spitzer has a history of fighting crime, even investigating organized crime linked to prostitution rings, makes this story even more engrossing. But in my experience, the magnitude of the hypocrisy involved is not any different from the average guy getting caught. Living one life publicly and another privately is not uncommon from the research I’ve done.

As many know, during the 1990s I did scads of research on
sexuality, marriage and relationships. I came upon the subject quite by accident,
but then was so intrigued by what I was uncovering I kept going further into
it. I’ve talked to thousands of men, as well as women, couples, married people,
prostitutes, strippers, you name it. I’ve done the front line work to find out
what people think about sex, marriage and relationships, as well as why men
stray. I can also say that this isn’t a one gender phenomenon either, though
women, obviously, have a shorter history because we were tied to men for financial
security. We also, when straying, don’t choose hookers, but often affairs. But
it can happen to anyone these days, though men are still more likely to ensnare themselves in sexual ego.

In my research there’s one thing I’ve found to be true of the thousands of
men I’ve interviewed. Rarely does their extra marital behavior have anything
to do with their spouse. Obviously, it can, but that wasn’t the norm in my looking
into it. A-type personalities who put themselves in this position of hiring
high priced call girls usually do it because they can. The opportunity presents
itself and they feel it’s safe. Men who engage in affairs, instead of hookers,
are looking for something different, however, usually something emotional that
they can’t (won’t or don’t feel they can) share with their spouse, but also
the excitement of an easy fling, because they won’t pay for sex. There’s also the shame factor, with some men unable to ask the woman they love to experience the fantasies they crave. Men who pay
for sex often do it because they don’t want the emotional entanglement. The
excitement of a rendezvous with a beautiful woman, which comes with a price
tag but no entanglements after the moment, is perfect. Of course, there is the
strain of man who pays for sex out of guilt and rage, but I’m not talking today about
the darker aspects of this human exchange. We’re talking about the high priced hooker variety that seduced Spitzer (as well as Vitter). In addition, the brighter and more
perfect the life, the more the danger excites. Anyone calling hookers, then
transporting them, leaving an easy trail, is obviously into the excitement,
the titillation. Few want to get caught. Some think it won’t possibly happen.
Call it the arrogance of ego. Men who delight in high priced call girls have it by the boatload, as do high profile politicians.

But to talk about some causes of infidelity (To add, on a separate track from hiring high priced call girls), besides the longevity of our relationships these
days, is the mid-life hormone implosion, which occurs in men and women. Men
think women don’t have sexual egos, which is incorrect. Women believe saying
no to a man is the end of the story. Unless there’s a case of serious illness
or tragedy, there is no excuse to say no to your partner. Everything doesn’t
have to be fireworks, which women foolishly think to be the case. Sometimes
sex is just sex. Men often don’t care. Women often make too big of a deal about
it. A generalization for sure, but the bottom line. Romance is great, but it
doesn’t have to be Valentine’s Day every time.

Fidelity is very important. But you can’t have it if two people aren’t transparent
with one another. This includes when changes occur. In the modern era, if you’re
not paying attention to what’s going on you will find yourself on the nasty
end of a brutal human dynamic playing out. Some high powered men often like
to act out this way. When every day life becomes too mundane and boring, or
they out grow their spouse, but don’t want to divorce. Sometimes the woman chooses
to put herself on a no sex shelf; stupid, but it happens. I’m not excusing it.
I’m just saying it’s an element of the human drama.

One instant I remember vividly when doing 900 line research for a book I hoped to publish, was a man who relayed to me that every night after his wife went to bed he’d come downstairs to call 900 lines for hours. He paid the bills, so she never knew. He said he loved her, but he really enjoyed it. I was lousy doing this research, because I was basically a “Dear Abby” girl. I can’t tell you how many “click offs” I got. I was always getting warned. But I digress…

In relationships, it’s also good to pay attention. If you’re not having sex with your spouse, especially
someone high powered, or someone who travels, there’s a good chance someone
else is. Women just don’t have to take it anymore and with religion less of
an anchor in women’s lives that goes double. Also, no one has to sit around
and take a philandering spouse, including if you’re religious. Ask any young woman.
They’ll drop the jerk like a hot rock. They can take care of themselves and
don’t have to forgive infidelity. They rarely understand a woman who will put
up with it. Modern marriage has still not adjusted to the forgiveness vacuum, absent faith.

As for liberals v. conservatives on this one, just to get the political in, the nature of liberals is more forgiving of the human dynamic and our imperfections.
Conservatives believe in perfection, which doesn’t exist. The tally is heavily
weighted on conservatives failing. Remember Bay Buchanan talking about infidelity when the New York Times story on John McCain broke? So indignant, even self-righteous, she stated that Republicans expect faithfulness. I could do a whole show
on sexually conservative women who have men hanging out in strip joints, 900 lines, etc. But liberal women also miss the boat too, but usually because they think of the victimization associated with prostitution and the sex industry. Let’s just say that the Emperors Club, where Spitzer evidently dabbled, is unlikely to be a place of victimization. The hardest thing for women to get is that some choose this lifestyle and live well off of it. No judgment here, just telling you what I’ve learned. These women also think of sex very differently, which turns on high powered men like Vitter and Spitzer and so many others.

Oh, and it’s not a coincidence that so many affairs happen at midlife. The woman’s body changes and she becomes disinterested in sex, while the man is having a midlife virile challenge, which he wants to fight. Powerful forces we’ve not yet figured out how to solve. The other challenge is that we’re outliving our relationships. The good news
is that hormone treatments for men and women, including impotency pills, have
given some relationships new life. One thing is certain. Sex doesn’t stop at
midlife anymore; after children either. But in the modern era you have to be paying attention. Marriage and fidelity
isn’t the norm anymore. There’s an adult playground out there where you can get whatever you want.