The Hangover
31 December 2005 10:24 am by Taylor Marsh
The Hangover
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… no one knows exactly how to treat them,
Dr. Rosenberg said. Besides, he added, certain aspects of the art of hangover
management actually do have some basis in science. Salty food, for instance,
is not a bad idea, nor are sugary drinks. “You need water and salt to stay
hydrated,” he said. “But I wouldn't go drinking seawater.” The
electrolytes – salts – in sports drinks like Gatorade can be helpful, he said.
Hangover
Helpers
Dear George,
You know, it's been one hell of a year for you. So, no wonder
we saw you disguised the other day, walking into that liquor store over off
Pennsylvania. So, here's some advice.
I realize this might be basic drinking 101 for an old fighter
jock drunk like you, but it's worth reminding yourself. Drinking won't erase 2005. It won't even make you forget that you've turned into Nixon, minus the man's mind. But I also understand that you need to forget, if only for one measely night.
Yes, I'm just a serious wine drinker, so I realize that hard liquor
drinkers like you are in a different category than I, but still, take my advice.
And, no, I'm not a doctor, so if you take this advice, you're making your own
decision, so you'll have to pay the price. That comment will make my lawyer
happy, because I can't afford to get sued by some putz, especially if he's the
president.
Eat before you leave the White House. Don't leave to go anywhere thinking
you want to get really high, so you want to start on an empty stomach. You'll
regret it. You've got cooks, so have them rustle up some of those
cocktail weenies you love before you leave.
At least you won't have to worry about transportation!
The other schlubs will have to figure out transportation before
they leave the house. So, ladies, make sure you have enough money to take a
cab if you must. Do not even think of getting in a car with someone who has been drinking excessively. Make that decision before you leave the house and promise
yourself that you'll go home alone if you have to. Talk with your friends about
it, too. Don't worry about not sounding cool and whatever you do don't listen
to some hot shot who thinks he or she can drink and drive. They can't, though
they will, but you don't have to be involved in it. However, you have to think
about this before the night begins, so you'll have the number of a cab company
with you.
This one is the obvious, George, but don't mix your beverages.
Big mistake to go from vodka to tequila to champagne at midnight. And if you've
never drunk tequila, don't start tonight. Remember 2000? It will kick your ass. Also, if you're
drinking beer, stick with beer. Oh, and George, beer doesn't travel well in a flask. Remember last year?
I'm not even going to ask you to count your beverages, because, well, you can't count. Besides, it never works. But if you lose count, well, you're screwed. Sure, the Secret Service is sworn to secrecy, but still, think of Laura and try to live up to her kind of class, will ya?
Now, lastly, check with Bethesda, or your family pharmacist before
taking anything, but consider the following if you get drunk. Before you go
to bed, take some aspirin and drink as much water as you can stand. Water is
the best defense, if you drink it before bedtime. Don't take anything else but
aspirin, because the other combos are no good for your liver. If you're drinking
beer or anything bubbly (especially cheap champagne or sparkling wine), psyillium
can save you. You can get it in the health food store or just take Metamucil
before bedtime. In addition, go out today and consider buying some Milk
Thistle, though make sure you can take it before you purchase it. It's very
important to talk with someone at the health food store if you're on other meds
or have allergies, or talk to your local pharmacist about it first. That said,
I find Milk Thistle the most amazing hangover helper in the book. Read the directions,
but if you can take it, believe me, it's a real wonder.
One last piece of advice for others,
since George is being driven around on our dime: don't even think about driving
if you're drunk. Give it up to a cab, call a friend, call your parents, ANYTHING
but drive while intoxicated. If you're with a bunch of friends, or your boyfriend,
even your husband, put your foot down if the driver of the evening has had more
than 1 drink within 3 hours of leaving a party, dance or dinner. And don't be
fooled that if you're 40-something you can drive drunk because you're experienced
or have done it before. Believe it or not, passengers have a lot to do with
whether a driver is going to get on the road after drinking. Just don't do it.
So, George, if you wake up tomorrow with a hangover, pop some
aspirin, drink buckets of water, stay away from the “hair of the dog,”
take some Metamucil or psyllium,
eat some salty foods like your favorite pretzel, drink more water and IF you can, ingest some Milk Thistle.
The rest is just about time and letting the crud work through your system. However,
trust me, it's not worth it. You must remember that from your bad old day's,
right, W.? Besides, reality will be there waiting for you when you wake from your New Years Eve fog, so you might as well face that 2006 is going to be a rough one for you. Sorry, but you have no one to blame but yourself, pal.
However, you could avoid all this by just eating hearty, counting your drinks, and stop before you're
bombed. After all, in order to celebrate the New Year you've got to see the
New Year. A hangover makes that impossible.
Oh, and did
I say not to drive if you've been drinking? And if you're a passenger, remember
that you can actually save lives by refusing to ride with a drunk driver. Peer
pressure works, so don't be afraid to use it. The life you save may be your
own.
Oh, and George, before you go surfing for that new drink mix or a New Year's Eve hangover cure, did you know that all your surfing is being monitored by The Man? Yep, ain't nothin' sacred or private anymore, palsy. Not even your secret drinking. Sucks, doesn't it?
